I'm Not Ok, I Promise
by queenofhearts125
Summary: Rated T just in case..for later chapters.  Beck's POV.     Beck observes his relationship with his girlfriend, and realizes just how fragile and vulnerable she is.
1. Day in the life?

Beck's POV

sorry, its really short and stupid but it gets better (or at least i think so?)

Jade's coming over. I never get tired of her insisting that she comes over. I love that she's not like other girls. She's not the same person every day, and she's always (surprisingly) got something to say that makes me smile.

Homework? No. Hm… too good to be true…

Ahh, right. That project Sikowitz assigned us. What was it again? It's in my planner, wait. Don't want to move. It was a script… a romance scene. I was paired with Tori.

Tori Vega. As kind as I usually am to her, she annoys me. The way she's always trying to impress a new guy, the way she laughs at everything I say. The way she treats the widely-misunderstood Jade like she's some bully when really Jade just feels the way I do about Tori. I'm not just defending her because she's my girlfriend; Tori just thinks she's better than everyone in general because she made it to HA with pure chance and adrenaline. I think we would all be happier without her. Ugh. And now, a _romance _scene. I'll write it myself, not like she'll take a break from staring at me to help. I'll just slap something not-very-romantic together.

Here it comes. 3:15, sharp, (like every day…) comes the knocking on my door. Jade. I smirk and bolt to the door.

"Why, hello, m'lady…" I gesture for her to come inside.

"Well, _you're _in a good mood!" She says.

"Of course I am, you're here," I grin. "You're not?"

"Yeah, yeah, I guess. Cat invited me over, I dunno if I'm gonna go…"

"Why not? I thought you two we're, y'know, friends?"

"Eeeeh," She shrugs, unsure. "Tori is going, too."

I suddenly understood. We sat down and drank soda, talked about our days. Hers didn't sound that good. Another thing I love: she doesn't freak out about things. I know what you're thinking… you've seen the side of Jade that's bitter and unforgiving. But, when she's with me, a whole new side comes alive. She's smart and calm and dependant. I really like the last trait for some reason. I like having someone I can help. It's hard to explain.

When I was done with my story of the assignment, we went back to repose and apathy. Wow, this is boring.

"How about some coffee?" I say, partway to enthusiasm.

"We _just had coffee, here." She tilted her head in that cute way I always love. _

"_Yes, my queen," I grabbed her wrist. "but we can GO PLACES and get DIFFERENT coffee!"_

"_Or we could just go shopping. I guess if I'm gonna go to this stupid sleepover I need something to wear."_

_I shrugged, grinning widely. I shouted for her to come on and gestured sharply, retied my worn combat boots, grabbed the nearest coat (I later regretted that, the stupid leather jacket was too small…) and my keys and we were off to have 'fun.' I guess. I guess any time with her is fun. _


	2. PecuLIARity

At the mall, at Spencer's… I'm staying in the guys' section, just browsing. I don't really want anything. Jade ambushes me from behind with a pile of depressingly black or navy blue shirts. She also found herself a pair of grey skinny jeans. Good job. Not dark.

"Jade, Jade, Jade." I say, flashing a smile and observing the clothes she was about to buy. I extend my arm, obstructing her way. I glide over to a rack of shirts in the Girls' section. I find a plain white tank top.

"Wear this with something red. Color, please. You need some." I wink.

"Ehh, fine. Couldn't hurt. I'm still buying this stuff too…" She gave me a sly/totally adorable smile.

Alright, time for the transaction. A black and white striped t-shirt, those grey pants, a black tee with fake splatters of blue paint. Also, that tank top and a red sweatshirt I grabbed. A skull pendant and Converse sneakers completed the sleepover outfit.

"Want me to drive you?" I say as we walk by the food court. Mmmm… smells like junk food and grease and butter. I like that smell.

"Wuh- oh sure." She said, grabbed my wrist and slung my arm over her shoulder. I could see she was mesmerized by the smell as well.

"Hey, I'm gonna go into one last store." She pointed to a makeup/perfume store. "Just need something new."

"Oh, sure. I'll grab us some shakes."

Whilst waiting in line for the milkshakes, I reflect on this little excursion. What is there to reflect upon? Well, everything. I just thought about how much I loved spending time with her. Boring, meaningless time. I could stray from reality and just focus on her and how beautiful she was, inside and out. How much I love her voice and what she has to say. Oh right, reality. That stupid script. I'll get a coffee on the way home and stay up and write it. Argh…

"Hey!" She walked over with a small bag in her hand (in addition to the bigger one..)

"Ooooh, perfume I see. Give Beck a whiff, come on…" She raised her wrist to my nose absentmindedly, and her sweatshirt slid down her arm.


	3. Look at the Bright Side?

Not again. Her arms. Small lines of skin were raised above the rest and slightly paler. Scars again. Cutting again. I don't bother smelling the new perfume. I grab her forearm and sigh.

"Jade, you promised." I'm not mad, just… disappointed. She _did _promise.

"What do you mean?" She hastily pulled up the sleeve again, trying to be surreptitious.

"The cuts, Jade! Don't try to cover it up!"

"Beck, it was an accident." She's a good liar, can't wait to see what she's got lined up for an excuse this time. (Sounds harsh, right. Yeah. I know she's my girlfriend but once I reach the capacity…)

"I was fixing a window. It broke. The one in the den… we don't… ever go in there."

"Jade…"

"Okay, okay. It's just been too much lately. What with my dad away and everyone just being on me about every little thing and I can't get a part in any single freaking play and-" Tears flow down her porcelain cheeks. She's having a full-out meltdown in the middle of the mall. I'm not embarrassed I just know she will be so I try to get her out of there, abandoning hope for milkshakes.

When I get the hysterical Jade into my car, I just sit in the front seat, my head leaned back in distress. Her anguish ended abruptly when she realized the tears rolling down _my cheek. _

"_It was just a couple of times, Beck."_

"_I know, its nowhere near as bad as it was. I just hate to see you like this, babe." My eyes swing over to her. She's looking at me. I wipe my face of the moisture. C'mon, man, be a guy. Don't cry. _


	4. Long Day Getting Longer

"So, how about I drive you this party? And how about you have a good time and I get this STUPID project done, eh?"

She just chortles ironically.

Pulling up to Cat's for maybe the fourth time. She has a biiiiiig house. It must be great. The porch is made of some fancy stone with pillars coming up. Large, wooden double doors guarded by some gargoyle-esque statues stood in all there glory in the center of the front wall. Frightening.

"Hey, do you think Cat would mind if I came in for a sec?" I inquire. She nods timidly.

Wow. Cat's house! It's… amazing. I enter to find a cream colored, fancy looking living chair accompanied by an end table with the latest Time Magazine lying neatly on it. From all the stories she tells, Cat's family sounded pretty messed up. But, in spite of that, I was startled when her mother emerged from the corridor. Her chestnut hair framed her pointy, Cat-like face, curled tightly.

"Why, hello there. You're Cat's friends, I assume."

Suddenly, Cat also showed. Squeezing behind her mother, her small figure becomes visible, wearing a cream colored top, white jeans and tan flats. Matches her house. Wonder if they coordinated that. Hm.

The mom nudged her violently and whispered something barely audible.

"Thought…no…boys…you…know…better…" Was all I got from that.

"I'm just dropping Jade off." My voice boomed and echoed through the mansion as I pointed to Jade. "But I also need to talk to Cat for a minute… may I?" I said, trying to be polite. Everything about this woman SCREAMED "snob! I'm a snob! Oh, and I'm arrogant!"

"Why…sure…" She sounded like she was asking a question. "Jade, is it? You can go put your bag in the other guest room. Sixth door on the ri-left!"

"So, how about I drive you this party? And how about you have a good time and I get this STUPID project done, eh?"

She just chortles ironically.

Pulling up to Cat's for maybe the fourth time. She has a biiiiiig house. It must be great. The porch is made of some fancy stone with pillars coming up. Large, wooden double doors guarded by some gargoyle-esque statues stood in all there glory in the center of the front wall. Frightening.

"Hey, do you think Cat would mind if I came in for a sec?" I inquire. She nods timidly.

Wow. Cat's house! It's… amazing. I enter to find a cream colored, fancy looking living chair accompanied by an end table with the latest Time Magazine lying neatly on it. From all the stories she tells, Cat's family sounded pretty messed up. But, in spite of that, I was startled when her mother emerged from the corridor. Her chestnut hair framed her pointy, Cat-like face, curled tightly.

"Why, hello there. You're Cat's friends, I assume."

Suddenly, Cat also showed. Squeezing behind her mother, her small figure becomes visible, wearing a cream colored top, white jeans and tan flats. Matches her house. Wonder if they coordinated that. Hm.

The mom nudged her violently and whispered something barely audible.

"Thought…no…boys…you…know…better…" Was all I got from that.

"I'm just dropping Jade off." My voice boomed and echoed through the mansion as I pointed to the dark, hunched figure to my left. "But I also need to talk to Cat for a minute… may I?" I said, trying to be polite. Everything about this woman SCREAMED "snob! I'm a snob! Oh, and I'm arrogant!"

"Why…sure…" She sounded like she was asking a question. "Jade, is it? You can go put your bag in the other guest room. Sixth door on the ri-left!"


	5. Interestingly Boring, Confusion and Such

Once Jade has disappeared into the massive hall I whoosh past the mother without saying goodbye.

I slip into the car and exhale loudly. I think about this stupid project I have to do with…Tori. I try to think of something that doesn't include us being that romantic. Got it! She'll play a dead girl and I'll swoop in and confess my 'love' to her. I give myself a mental pat on the back for being so prolific and smirk.

Oh, here comes Jade's driveway. Should I pull in and… woah, woah, what would I do in there? I glance over to the passenger seat. She left her sunglasses. Hm…

I pull in to her driveway. No cars, obviously. Her parents work all the time, even on weekends. I have a key, so I just go in and leave them on her bed side table. I look around.

Her dark purple walls are plastered with posters. A My Chemical Romance one hangs proudly over her bed. I bought her that. I smile. Her bureau drawers are flung open, obviously in a rushed attempt to find clothes. Dirty shirts are all over, and out of instinct I put them in the hamper. Half eaten pizza slices are here and there, and silver jewelry sparkles on her desk. I look closer at the wall. "Beck was here" was etched in it next to her bed. I smile again.

I threw away the pizza (obviously she took advantage of her freedom…) and whatever food was left out. A few charcoal pencils were left on her desk, so I opened the drawer to put them back and, well, what I found half-surprised me. Razor blades. I sighed and threw then in the trash bin as well.

"On second thought…" I mutter aloud to myself. I take them out and put them into my sweatshirt pocket. She'll just find them there, better to take them away completely. This is what I meant by her being dependant. I like being able to help someone like this.

"And my work here is done!" I exclaim wholeheartedly, the way I do when I'm alone. Am I alone? I hear the door open and a man talking.

"Jade? Why is that kid's car here? Ja-" He's texting someone. I walk over to him, interrupting him rudely.

"I was just dropping off some stuff. I was just going."

"Sure you were. Where's the girl?"

'_The girl.' _Sends shivers down my spine. Bad shivers.

"JADE is at a friends. She left some things in my car. I was just putting them back…" I contemplate saying "sir," but decide he doesn't deserve that respect.

He obviously notices that. He looks me up and down, noticing the combat boots first, then the jeans that are probably too skinny for his standards, then the old concert t-shirt, and the too-small jacket. And the coup de grace, my long, unkempt black hair. He looks disgusted and I love it. I love it because we've been dating for some time now and he gives me this look every time he sees me, and I haven't changed. He's waiting for me to, but I won't.

Sigh. The judgy father finally let me out of his grasp. I slide into the car and look up at the visor, where a picture of Jade was securely taped. I smile at it. Wow, I'm awful smiley today. What's that all about? I smile more at the thought of that.

Well I've had the most interesting _boring day in a while. I'm still a little shaky about what happened at the mall, but I trust Jade in her promise to stop. And yet, I took the razor blades. Do I trust her?_


	6. The Ups and Downs Of being Jade

Once I'm home, curled up (as un-masculine as that sounds…) on the couch with my laptop, I write the short two or three page script and email it to Vega. Hmph. What to do now? Can't just stay home all night watching movies. Not without Jade, anyway. I whip out my phone and dial slowly Andre's number. We haven't hung out in a while, this might be cool. He agrees, and he says he's on his way.

Hm, phone's out, might as well check The Slap. Jade's most recent status (from about 20 minutes ago) was worrying.

"Damn Vega, ruining everything. Just want a normal sleep over for once. Great."

Siiiiiiigh.

…...

Alright, I know this is short. I actually just threw it together, I'm at a friends house. :P

Please please please! If you like it, don't stop reading. It's going through a boring part I guess. I do have ideas for twists/revealed secrets in the next few chapters so get pumped! And if they're shorter I can write more. I'll probably write more tonight/this morning and I'll put some excitement in there.

Oh, and if you favorited this, reviewed or even just read it, thank you so much! XD I didn't think anyone would read it, let alone like it. Thank you thank you!


	7. The Usual

Once I'm home, curled up (as un-masculine as that sounds…) on the couch with my laptop, I write the short two or three page script and email it to Vega. Hmph. What to do now? Can't just stay home all night watching movies. Not without Jade, anyway. I whip out my phone and dial slowly Andre's number. We haven't hung out in a while, this might be cool. He agrees, and he says he's on his way.

Hm, phone's out, might as well check The Slap. Jade's most recent status (from about 20 minutes ago) was worrying.

"Damn Vega, ruining everything. Just want a normal sleep over for once. Great."

Siiiiiiigh.

I see headlights through the rain-soaked window pane. The near constant rain is a bummer. How am I supposed to enjoy this warm weekend when water's falling from the sky? Anyway, Andre lets himself in and plops down on the couch next to me, removing his wet coat and throwing it on the floor.

"So what's goin' on?" He says, absentmindedly fixing his hair or something.

"Oh nothing. Well, I mean not nothing, I'm breathing and seeing and taking a sip of water every now and the-"

"Come on. I saw Jade's status. Is there something going on?"

"I dunno. She's not too fond of Tori… and, well…"

"Dude, just tell me what's on your mind."

"She started cutting again… just all of this, everything, has really taken its toll."

He looks at me as if I had two heads, but there wasn't much surprise in his expression. Everyone knew it wasn't gonna end where it did. That's a whole story in itself.

"Just read her status." I shoved my phone perhaps too close to his eyes and he read.

"Well should you go over there then? See what's going on?" He inquired.

"Nah, I'll just call her."

…..

Cat's house was…impressive. Yet her home life seemed…tense and strained. Her and her mother didn't say a word to each other, and the father was no where to be found. Not like I wasn't used to that. Tori was waiting in Cat's room, painting her nails a sickening color of pink. I couldn't wait to get off these clothes and put on something dark, like my mood. Why did I come again?

While I'm in the bathroom, half-changing, half-avoiding talking to the girls at all costs, I overhear what might just be the most aggravating conversation I've ever not wanted to hear.

"So, how's it going, I mean with…everything…" Cat's shrill voice squeaked.

"Oh, I'm still not giving up on him. We got paired in a romance scene together, I'm so excited!"

"Tori, you know… I don't know if this is a good idea."

"Your point?"

"I was just, he has a girlfri- Jade's my friend, too. And if she knew you were planning all this, she'd be pissed."

She makes a noise that sounds like a horse clearing its throat. Ew. "Like I care. She hasn't exactly been friendly to me." Tori sneers. "I'm going after Beck, and nothing is stopping me. I've been nice to her all this time. I deserve some of what's hers, if you know what I mean."

I get back into my day clothes, shove everything into my messenger bag and storm out. I want to be noticed. I want people to care. But no one comes out and consoles me as I sit and bawl like a little girl on the curb outside Cat's mansion.

…..

No answer. For the rest of the night. Told myself her phone was off until she posts a new status on the slap and I call her seconds later. Phone's on. Doesn't want to talk. Andre finally went home, after a night of him watching TV and me staring at my phone, willing it to ring. I was really worried.

"Don't call. Or text. I won't want to talk to anyone for a long time."

Stay calm. She doesn't want to talk, okay.

'Want me to come take you home? You don't sound happy…' I text her. Almost instant reply.

'Please. Thank God. Get me out of here.'

It was a silent drive, the rain was coming down hard and beating like a drum on the windshield. I arrived at last, and I pulled into the driveway. I could see in a well-lit and large window the silhouettes of two girls talking. Two. Little did I know the third was devastated, sitting on the sidewalk waiting for me.


	8. Love You Like I Did Yesterday

I don't even bother to ring the doorbell. I know something's wrong, I don't know what, though.

"Hmph…" I sigh to myself and turn back to the car. Maybe she'll see it and show herself. I look at the picture that's still on the visor. She looks so happy, so at peace in that picture. I want her to be like that now. Like that all the time.

"I wish you would tell me what's going on. What makes you like this. I love you, I want you to be happy. That's all I want. Please just be happy. I'd do anyth-" At this point I realize I'm talking to a photograph. I feel a warm tear crawl down my face and invade a small cut on my chin. Then, I see that there's a figure interrupting the orange glow from the streetlight. I slide out of the car and walk over through the now torrential rain. Her hair's stuck to her face and neck. Eye makeup runs down her cheeks in thick, black streams.

"Get up." My eyes tell her. I didn't mean it in a harsh way, but she stood up immediately as if an army general told her to do so. Time almost seems to stop in that moment when she steps forward abruptly and winds her wet arms around me. I forget everything except her and me and her standing there. I put my hand behind her head and pull it closer to me protectively. Her sobs become farther and farther apart the more time that passes.

She pulls away after what seems like eons of embracing. I miss her warmth next to me but understand that she wants to get in the car and go home. That's what I want, too. I want all of this to be over. I want to see her smile again.

Gr… I'm not quite happy with this chapter.. I just haven't posted anything lately, and I felt like I needed/wanted to. Even though I kinda have an idea of where I want this to go, feel free to message me if you have any ideas for the plot… sorry if this was like an anticlimax, sorry if you were expecting more from this chapter. I'll have more time to write next week so I'll probably be posting more/longer chapters. And I really like to see peoples' feedback about this story so if you have an opinion, give it a review.

You really didn't have to read that. Sorry. Just me rambling. And me apologizing. Sorry (there I go again..)


	9. Denial

It's late when we get home. About 2am. All we want to do is sleep, so I let her have my bed and I make myself at home on the couch. I don't sleep much. I just think about what happened at the "party," running through scenarios in my mind that range from a fist fight to Cat saying something out of line to get one of them wound up. I eventually give up and try to sleep, despite there being daylight creeping into the window. I glance toward the clock and see that it's 5 in the morning.

"Screw it…" I whisper to myself and rise. I start making breakfast, which is rare for me. Jade will be up soon, she always has been a morning person (believe it or not.)

An hour an 3 dropped eggs later, she wakes and walks into the kitchen/living room… whatever kind of room it is and smiles. We eat in near silence as the sun becomes brighter. She gets up to put the dishes away but I stop her and do it myself.

"So did anything happen last night… anything you wanna talk about?" I tried to sound comforting and calm but it wasn't working well considering I _really wanted to know what happened. _

"_I acted like a stupid baby, I overreacted. I just…"_

"_No, it's okay. Just tell me."_

_She sighed deeply and plopped onto the couch. _

"_Why do you love me, Beck? Of all people? There are girls out there that are prettier and smarter and more talented. There are girls that deserve you more than I do. That deserve you, period. I don't. I jus-"_

_Her voice started cracking at this point. Emotions bounced around in my head and a cold wave of confusion and denial washed over me. _

"_Jade, stop it. You know exactly why I… love you. And no matter what you say you'll always be the most beautiful, most talented, greatest girl ever to me an-"_

_She interrupted me._

"_Come on! There are bright, sunny, perfect girls out there and you settle for me? The mentally-unstable, frustrated, emotional, angry me?"_

"_Yes. Well, I don't settle for you. Okay, Jade, listen." I hold onto her shoulders and make sure to make eye contact. "You are the best thing in my life. I wouldn't trade you for anyone, not a bright, sunny, perfect girl. No one could ever surpass my beautiful, talented, great, mentally unstable, frustrated, emotional, angry, perfect girl and I mean that. No one."_

_She rips away from me._

"_I'm flattered, Beck. I just can't let you waste any more of your life when you could be out there, doing good things. I just can't."_

_She slung her bad over one shoulder and shut the door before I could even process what she said._

…_..._

_AHH finally I get this up! _

_I'm sorry this took so long.. I'll be writing more, pinky swear. _

_Hope you like it! I kinda did, emotional speeches/conversations are fun to do. (: _


	10. Update on Stuff sorry

Hey guys, I'm so so so sorry I haven't updated the fic in well, forever. I've been really freaking busy and stuff but I am working on it, trust me. I'm hoping this chapter will be a bit longer… just letting you know that I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN! After I write and upload this I'm going straight to working on it! Thanks… xoxo -Emma


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